do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
