And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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