just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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