I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
