Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Swine flu is the new snow day.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
