We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
