BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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