I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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