i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
