Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
