hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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