dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
