ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
