You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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