i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
