you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
