Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
