were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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