I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
