I can text with my tongue
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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