Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
