i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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