i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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