Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
