The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dick very happy bro
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
