We're like a lot better than the average bears
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
