look no pants
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
