i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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