I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
