Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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