dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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