Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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