we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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