White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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