The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
