Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
