Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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