Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Do you remember whose house we're in?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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