every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
