I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
