Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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