Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
