you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
