Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
