Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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