paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
