After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
