If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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