I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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