I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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