I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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